What if I never wrote this blog?

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." - Mary Tyler Moore.

My absolute worst fear(besides aliens) is looking back on any part of my life and wondering 'What if?'

As far as we know, we only live one life - and when my life flashes before my eyes my last thought is going to be 'Hell yeah!'

I don't let anything hold me back from doing the things I want to do and sure, I make some mistakes along the way but then I learn lessons. I'm moving forward.

So you make a mistake - at least you went for what I you wanted. Isn't that better than playing it safe and never knowing?

Every decision you make tells you something unlocks a part of you and a fulfilling life means knowing all there is to know about yourself.

Every second we live, is a second closer to the end. The question is - how do you want to see your life when it's coming to a close?

Yeah I know, this sort of impulsive attitude could get me into trouble and believe me; it does. But I have no regrets and so much insight. Wait, wait, wait... time to backtrack.

I just lied.

I do have one regret, it's only a week old and I'm already thinking 'What if?' which just proves my point even further - JUST DO IT! Obviously have the sense to make good judgement, don't do something that's going to get you killed. This sort of philosophy doesn't apply to every aspect of life, but if you have common sense you'll see it can apply to a lot.

Anyway, now I know for a fact that I have to take every chance and opportunity the gets thrown my way. Because those opportunities rarely come back around. And sure, this wasn't something HUGE that I will regret not doing for the rest of my life - but this minor inconvenience could have been avoided if I had stuck with my own beliefs.

Which starts a whole new topic about being true to who you are and your beliefs because at the end of the day that's all you have but I'll save that one for later.

"And on I read
Until the day was gone
And I sat in regret
Of all the things I've done."

- Audioslave, Like A Stone.

I Swear To Drink I Won't Have Another God

"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk." ~John Marcellus Huston

How do you tell an alcoholic froma a drinker?

I, personally, only drink socially. Never have I sat alone and drank. Have I entertained the idea? Oh, yeah. Especially during writers block. Everyone knows some of the biggest geniuses were alcoholics or drug addicts (or just plain crazy)... but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it in fear of becoming my mother.

Now I'm not calling her an alcoholic per say but she is one of the main people that makes me wonder where the line between these two things should be drawn...

I've once asked her "Mum, do you think you're an alcoholic?" to which she replied, very defensively, "No. There's nothing wrong with having a drink in the house."

The key phrase there would be a drink which for her is equal to many drinks.

Granted she's never gotten violent and I've never found her passed out on the floor in a puddle of her own vomit, I don't think that automatically makes her innocent of alcoholism.

Medical Definition

Alcoholism is the popular term for alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence. These disorders involve repeated life problems that can be directly attributed to the use of alcohol. Both disorders can have serious consequences, affecting an individual's health and personal life, as well as having an impact on society at large

Another Definition

Habitual intoxication; prolonged and excessive intake of alcoholic drinks leading to a breakdown in health and an addiction to alcohol such that abrupt deprivation leads to severe withdrawal symptoms

Dependency, prolonged and excessive intake - by these definitions I would make a definite associations between alcoholism and my mother.

But this is just my opinion. Personally, I believe if you drink say... 4 to 7 gin and tonics every night (more when you go to the bar earlier that night) while you're watching t.v. by yourself then yes, you are in fact an alcoholic.

There are those (including my mother) who would challenge me on this diagnosis and I welcome that.

What do you think makes someone an alcoholic as opposed to just a drinker?

Where for art thou, self confidence?

"Each one of us requires a spur of insecurity to force us to do our best." - Harold W. Dodds

I always say I'm a terrible actress, but I must be a damn good one because there are times where I act confident so well that I actually start to believe it.

...but then comes along an occurence that reminds me just how self conscious I am on the inside.

Let's call it method acting - I want to come off as confident so I tell myself I'm confident and BAM; Hello, confidence. Where have you been all my life?

'Confident Sophii' is like my alter ego.

Now is one of those times where something has brought me back to the starting point... and I was doing so well. My 'acting' had gone to new heights - No, I wasn't cocky. Just comfortable. And now? Oh, that is but a distant dream. One that I'll have to work my way back up too.

Honestly, this process keeps me humble when things are going a little too well. But when the facade tumbles I take it very, very personal.

When I first learned that self confidence could easily be faked I started to really, really look at people and you know what? Not very many people are truly confident in themselves.

Oh sure, they put on a great act. Oscar worthy even, but being a member of this group myself I notice the little things.

A twitch, a sideways glance when no one is watching, a quick fidget - I've come to the conclusion that no one is always happy with themselves, yet that doesn't quell my own problem.

But is this a problem that's ever really solved? I hear people, especially women, always saying that deep inside they're still that insecure, awkward sixteen year old girl.... I really hope they are exaggerating because sixteen year old me is ANNOYING.

And yes... men are just as insecure as women. After living with one for three years and having close guy friends I happen to know this is fact. Maybe not all, but maybe all women aren't insecure either.

I have two triggers that really set off my insecurities - bad photos and exhaustion. If I'm deprived of sleep; I get extremely insecure and a bad photo? Well that's enough to make me cry.

I'm interested to hear what triggers other people....

To Err Is Human, To Forgive Is Divine.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

To me... holding grudges is like putting a book on your head. The more books on your head, the more likely they are to fall and the more likely you are to lose balance.

But some people hold onto grudges like it's the last $200 50inch TV on Black Friday.

Why?

What do you gain by hold a grudge, other than the extra baggage that comes with keeping that grudge strong?

Two scenarios...

#1 - Someone does you wrong in some way, you hold a grudge. That person doesn't just die because you don't like them anymore - so you may see them around. How do you feel when you see them? Instant flush of anger or a playback of the event that brought on the grudge. Hello books on your head. It causes you stress and guess what? Now it's effecting your health. What good did the grudge do? More than likely, the person you hold said grudge against doesn't care and is living their life.

#2 -Someone does you wrong in some way. You're upset for a while, but then you get over it. Did it kill you? Nope. You see said person, how do you feel? Fine. You hold no grudge, therefore no baggage and no books on your head. Light and free, you go on with your life.

Quick Example - Certain in-laws say things they shouldn't to their son/daughters spouse. There's a huge blow up and things go sour for a while.

Now it's two years later; should you remember that and let that instant effect choices in your life?

Personal opinion; no. We're all human and say things we don't mean - or things we do mean but shouldn't say. No one is innocent of this, so in the long run no one should be put on trial for this.

I totally get that the initial sting warrants anger, but for how long? How long is it okay to be mad about something? Especially when you have probably been guilty of the same crime at one point or another; and if you haven't, you will.

I don't hold grudges. I get over almost everything with time and because of that I'm a much happier person. But everyone is different, which is what makes this subject so interesting to me.

Sophii.

xoxo.

Lacking Independence Much?

"The tragedy is that so many people look for self-confidence and self-respect everywhere except within themselves, and so they fail in their search." - Dr Nathaniel Branden

I'm no feminist, but I do believe the days of women depending on men for... well anything should be behind us. This is why when I see close girlfriends, that I love and care about, showing signs of being extremely dependent on men (and twenty-something men at that) it drives me insane.
Did I say men? Sorry I meant boys, because those are the only guys these girls are attracting right now.

Fact: Men like a chase.

Yeah, they like a quick lay BUT a quick lay isn't take-home-to-mom material.

Why do women let men break down their self confidence to a point of no return? To the point where all they want is male attention - no matter the form it comes in?

Granted I've been in a relationship for five straight years; but I like to use to supplement my point.

I'm not dependent on my boyfriend. Sure, I enjoy spending time with him BUT I enjoy spending time with others just as much. Sure, you can say I don't know what it's like to be lonely BUT I do; and I know from personal experience that I can fill my own voids with things other than men. Like hobbies or friends or education.

I digress...

Enter personal example(and maybe reason this subject came to mind) - a friend of mine, let's call her June, is well... lost.

June dated a guy for three years; this relationship ended harshly a couple of months ago and she was left feeling worthless. Natural reaction for the immediate time following a breaking up that involves 'another women'. But this state of mind didn't leave, in fact it grew worse.

Instead of grieving then learning to stand on her own two feet again, June threw herself into another relationship with someone just as emotional scarred as she. Attempting to be a supportive friend, I was all for this partnering - in fact, I helped it come about. If June was happy, I was happy.

And June was happy, for a while. But then things took a turn for the worst when the emotionally scarred other half changed his mind and ended it. Now, I personally think he ended it in a very mature and adult way - there was no foul play - it just wasn't working.

Junes first attempt to fill that void? Another man. Compliments from men. Attention from men...
See the pattern here?

Prior to the three year relationship June was extremely independent, but now that part of her is nowhere to be seen. I know it's inside her somewhere but I can't fathom why it's male attention she's seeking instead of just building herself back up again?

As they say - you can love another until you learn to love yourself.

This blog isn't really about June, just her situation and how I see that in so many of my female peers. What is it that drives them to believe they need a male in their lives to be worthy of self worth?

If my relationship were to end tomorrow, I would be devastated because of that loss - but there would be no loss of self worth. That's something I built myself and that no one can take from me.

Third Time's A Charm?

I've had terrible luck with blogs in the past (two of them) - one was deleted, by who I have no idea and the other I locked myself out of it.

So here we go again.

Third time is a charm, right?

Haha, we'll see.

My opinions are strong, but respectful and if yours are too - I would love to hear them. Debate is a beautiful thing and almost always education.